Tuesday, September 24, 2013

honk if you have missed ali jay.

Some facts you should know about me that will help you understand this post:
  • It typically takes no longer than 4.5 seconds behind the wheel to develop extreme, pervasive road rage. 
  • I was a psychotherapist.
  • Ergo, I can move past said road rage easily, just by stepping out of the car. 
  • I have never honked my horn as a result of road rage. 
  • I have never gestured my middle finger, or any of my fingers for that matter as a result of road rage.
  • Unless you have a vantage point to catch a passive eye roll, or you can read thoughts...you would not know I had road rage. *Exceptions include, but are not limited to: my mother, My Dustin, my former MHCD clients
So today my drive home was not unlike most, frustrating and slow and full of demon-fun-suckers in fancy cars. But as you would assume, I stayed focused on my silver-lining; a job I get to drive to, in my mediocre, paid-off vehicle so I can afford to eat gluten-free oreos dipped in nutella in my tiny, cozy apartment.


While I was stopped behind a car at a red light, the light turned green and the car to the left of me honked at the truck in front of them. The driver in front of me turned his entire body around to flip me "the bird"*. Then we all got on our way. But no one was happy. But out of the four of us affected by this exchange....WHO BENEFITED FROM ALL THE MADNESS!? No one.

No one got home faster. I assume no one got home and told their significant other how amazing their human experience had been in the last hour. 

So maybe we talk about circumstances during which it OK to use your horn:
  • When someone is about to crash into you.
  • When you are about to crash into someone.
  • When you see a Texas Tech decal on the back of a car in Colorado.
And that's about it folks. 

Now I know my previous posts essentially dance around a certain anecdote via run-on sentences and a strategic use of italics, then bring it full circle to support some profound thought. But this evening, I don't have anything profound to say.

It's really quite simple. Let's be nice in traffic y'all. You're not just honking at a car. You're honking at a person with their own priorities, issues, likes and dislikes. And you're also honking to everyone within earshot of that person. And sometimes that person is trying to enjoy some nutella oreos in their tiny-ass apartment IN PEACE while you are busy throwing a pointless temper tantrum behind the wheel at the intersection outside her window! And sometimes the demon-bird-flipper doesn't know who is honking and takes it out on the innocent, patience, former psychotherapist behind him, and it really effs up everyone's day.

So just be cool y'all. Your horn isn't some miraculous toggle that when activated will jet us all home .4 seconds faster. 

*Why it is called "the bird" is beyond me. It should be called "the shark" or "the spider" or "the gecko" or some other abomination of a creature, because birds really aren't that bad. I don't think it's fair to associate them with such a nasty, pointless gesture. "The centipede", however, really gets the point across.